So, in honor of the 12 Days of Christmas, and the behaviors we often exhibit and encounter in any number of family gatherings, public interactions, and troubled workplace environments, I’m continuing my exploration of toxic behaviors from an article called “Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal With Them.” (https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/), by Australian psychologist Karen Young.

Today I want to talk about manipulation.

The Oxford languages Dictionary says that to manipulate is to “control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.”

WebMD defines manipulation as “the exercise of harmful influence over others. People who manipulate others attack their mental and emotional sides to get what they want.”

Manipulation can and does occur in just about any relationship. Parents, children, spouses, friends, employers, colleagues, advertisers, politicians look to manipulate each other on a daily basis. It’s cheap. It’s toxic. And, too often, it works.

Young examines the use of manipulation in one-sided relationships, noting “If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right.”

If there is one set of rules for you, and another for them regarding giving, sharing, honesty, loyalty, respect, trust or any number of basic relational values, you are probably being manipulated more than a little.

One phenomenon we see in the Bible is Satan attempting to gain power over people by offering to give them things they already have. In the wilderness temptation that preceded the start of Jesus’s ministry, Satan shows him all the kingdoms of the world and says “All this I will give you, if you will bow down and worship me” (Matthew 4:8-9).

But Jesus would have had that anyway. He was the Son of God.

Though he had sacrificed earthly power (he wasn’t living in a palace), he maintained his spiritual authority. And eventually, even the kingdoms of this world would be his.

Satan was offering a corrupted kingdom, in which Jesus had earthly power, but Satan had spiritual authority.

He offered a shortcut to perks that would shortchange the promise.

We see this in every industry. A liar positioning themselves as the gatekeeper, demanding sexual favors from subordinates so promotion occurs. A producer telling an artist the only way they will make it is if they are willing to play.

Toxic relationships often hinge on the illusion of contribution. A person controls you, calls it blessing, and demands gratitude, or even reciprocation in response.

“Toxic people” Young says “have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you.”

She then highlights a phenomenon often seen in workplaces, where people have the power to assign you things: the giving of burdens framed as blessings.

“I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.”

This is particularly potent form of manipulation in environments where people feel their gifts do not receive room to shine. Or where everyone is waiting for their big break.

So someone comes along and says, Hey, why don’t you create this presentation. You are so good at it. And I trust you with it. They are saddling you with grunt work they don’t want. And if it is successful, they will take the credit. But if you are frustrated with your station, insecure about your prospects, and desperate to be seen, you may suffer from a particularly poisonous brand of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). What if this is the magical moment I get my big break?

So you do the grunt work. And it goes down exactly how you thought it would. No big break. Only a breaking point.

Manipulation takes many forms. But behind the manipulation is a manipulator, a person choosing controlling behaviors for the purpose of gaining an advantage. And behind a manipulator, is a heart issue. I once shared with someone I thought was a friend a little bit of my medical history. As I’ve written before I have congenital hydrocephalus. I had nine brain surgeries in 1997. And one of the ways it manifests is in a fluid attention span. There are things I do very well. I’m an outside the box thinker. But I struggle to shut out distractions. And I told him that.

And his genuinely delighted response, as he started wildly moving his hands, was: oh wow, so I can totally control you.

Like I was a cat chasing a laser pointer.

And no, that’s not how it works.

But his response took me aback.

First, because his immediate response to my choice to be transparent was to think of how he could exercise power over me. Second, because he gleefully said the quiet part out loud.

That was a red flag.

And it was not a fluke. It was a preview.

Good Rule of Thumb: If you enter a conflict in good faith, and leave it momentarily persuaded that everything you thought is wrong, and everything the person you were arguing with is right, they are messing with you.

But for me this was a fantastic life lesson. Because I genuinely desire to give people the benefit of the doubt. And this was someone I had known for a few years. But it took a season of moments like this to realize that our years of friendship were the surface, and this stuff was the substance.

One question I ask couples in premarital counseling is “tell me about your worst fight.”

If they tell me “we never fight!” I am concerned. And not just because they are almost definitely lying.

Before you yoke yourself to someone, you need to know who they are under pressure. Some people fold. Others explode. Some are thoughtful. Others are spiteful.

A manipulative relationship often looks a lot like a puppeteer with a marionette.

The strings are small. From a distance, they can’t be seen.

And if the puppeteer is sufficiently skilled, the marionette’s actions will look normal, spontaneous, even graceful.

But the puppeteer is exercising control, not just over individual motions, but the entire show. They are guiding the story.

A discerning person, however, will notice that the show only takes place when the puppeteer is hovering over, and uncomfortably close.

Some of us have been in puppet relationships long enough.

It may be time to cut the strings.

(Photo Credit: Ata Ebem)