I seem to be talking about traffic of late, so let me just say this.

As a thinker, new traffic structures fascinate me. As a motorist, they drive me crazy:

I am not an aggressive driver. Unlike Top Gun’s Maverick, I have no need for speed. And giving people a new lane, or pattern, or road, forces them to learn stuff, in real time, with other people around. Hence:

1. There is a new challenge to navigate.
2. Everybody has a different level of skill in navigating it
3. There is a broad spectrum of approaches to navigation, and everyone seems to consider their own obviously and indisputably right.

In traffic, and in life, I often feel like Clark Griswold in European Vacation, driving endlessly around the roundabout because he can’t figure out how to exit “Look kids…Big Ben…Parliament.”

Having said that, the fascinating part, for me, is seeing how people deal with each other. How do we handle sharing? How do we handle conflict? Who knows how to apologize? It’s a high stakes version of “All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten.”

I was once driving, cross-town, in midtown Manhattan. It was right when they started adding the crosswalks mid-avenue from 51^st to 57^th St. So there was a new stopping point at 6 ½ avenue.

I didn’t know this. So when I saw people, in my assessment, stealing my light, I honked. 

And one young white woman took it personally.

She stopped in the middle of the street, turned to stare me down, and shouted at the top of her lungs “F___ YOU!!”

She all but squared up.

It was at this point, I realized she was crossing appropriately. She had the right of way.

So I smiled, nodded and waved. Kind of a “my bad” gesture. It's not that serious.

This is where my meditation begins.

1. I seemed, in that moment, to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like this woman had tolerated New Yorkers, or men, or bullies, or whoever 100 times, and this was the Fried Green Tomatoes “Towanda” moment she was choosing to stand her ground and fight back.
2. Abstractly, I appreciated her confidence, though practically I think it was insane. I never feel that bold as a pedestrian. Starting a fight with someone still in their car feels like arguing semantics with a rhino. Yes, I may have the right of way. But you could still kill me just by choosing to accelerate. Do I really want to gamble that you aren’t also at the end of your rope?
3. I was glad it was me at the wheel. Because there are definitely people would see her rage and raise her their own. There would be people who would say, ok, I was wrong about right of way, but nobody talks to me like that. There would be people who wouldn’t even take the time to figure out who was right, because they now getting ready to fight.
4. I felt a little like Deacon in King of Queens assessing the waitress who wants to fight Doug in the parking lot: “that was bone chilling.” Had I not been the target of her rage, I would almost have been impressed. I mean, it was Travis Bickle-ish, but still impressive.
5. A friend of mine has suggested that the solution to the problem of road rage may be the acquisition of a large truck, which will send a different message to people contemplating going off. I don’t remember what I was driving at this time. At biggest it may have been a Toyota Corolla. I have been driving compact cars and smaller since 2011.

I don’t know how to solve road rage.

I do know life gets better when I pay attention.

I know that I don’t have to let my ego dictate my interactions with people.

I know that if de-escalation is not a tool in my belt, I will end up in unnecessary fights, and low stakes conflicts will become high stakes conflicts in a hurry.

The fact that I was wrong here is almost beside the point.

If I’m right, do I match her energy and turn into a sputtering lunatic?

That is not good for my work, my walk, or my blood pressure.

If I don’t handle my anger, nobody else will.

The question I always ask is would you rather be right or be righteous?

It’s ok to spend an hour stuck at Big Ben.

It’s not ok to spend a lifetime stuck at Big Mad.

You’re always in the driver’s seat of your life

And if you don’t make the left turn at Albequerque, you can end up in the middle of a bullfight.

So today, I’m just trying to chill.

We can all share the road.

(Photo Credit: Nout Gons)