Often in this space I talk about God: El Shaddai, El Elyon, El Olam, El Roi.

Today I want to talk about Elle Woods.

Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) is heroine of the 2001 film Legally Blonde. The quintessential sorority girl, Elle’s life takes a critical turn when her old-money boyfriend Warner Huntington III (Matthew Davis), from whom she’s expecting a marriage proposal, dumps her before he heads off to Harvard Law School so he can “get serious” about life, saying “If I’m going to be a Senator by the time I’m 30, I need to marry a Jackie (Kennedy), not a Marilyn (Monroe).

Despondent but determined, Elle hatches a plan to get into Harvard Law School to win Warner back. She gets in, and, despite being fabulously out of place at Harvard, begins succeeding.

It leads to this moment:

Trying to connect with Warner at a party, Elle raises her hope of landing one of four coveted internship slots with Professor Callahan, the star professor of criminal law. And Warner says. “You can’t do that. You’re not smart enough, Sweetie.” Elle replies “Wait, am I on glue, or did we not get into the same Law School, Warner? We took the same LSAT. We’re taking the same classes.”

And then she has her epiphany “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?”

And as someone whose sense of worth comes from God, but can still find himself desiring the approval of people, this is the line that haunts me.

For some people, we will never be good enough.

We may be in the same classes or hold the same job.

We may outperform every other teammate.

We may be the most qualified person in our field.

For numerous reasons, however, we will not make the grade.

Whether it is prejudice or cronyism we will not be found worthy.

Whether our gifts are intimidating or we have shown people so much deference that they do not respect us, the door will not open.

And this can be our turning point.

In the movie, predictably, Warner’s condescension becomes Elle’s motivation to become focused and ultimately, successful.

In life, sometimes we take this approach, and sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes disrespect drives us to great achievement, but sometimes we stay in toxic relationships for years.

My question is, why?

1. Do we believe we’re as flawed as people say we are?
2. Are we so desperate for attention that we’re willing to accept the degradation, because we convince ourselves it’s better than being alone?
3. Are we so broken that we don’t believe we deserve any better? Have we allowed low self-esteem to infect our reasoning, so that our efforts to take responsibility for our own behavior become us harp on the conclusion that we brought this on ourselves?
4. Are we so hooked on affirmation that we are willing to accept limitation? Like, I don’t care how much you hold me back so long as you hold me?
5. Have we convinced ourselves these people might change?

If you have spent much of your life feeling unseen, or underappreciated, the person who chooses you can make you feel special in a way that’s tough to resist.

What happens, though, when you realize they are choosing you to use you?

What happens when the relationship that made you feel special reveals itself to be abusive?

Relationships are complicated. You may know you need to leave, but also be financially dependent on this person who takes you lightly. Their name may be on the lease.

Also, life is not always pretty, or fair. You may leave your doubters only to find yourself amongst predators.

When Elle lands the internship, she eventually discovers that Professor Callahan is not the benevolent mentor she expected. He’s a creep who leverages power for sex.

It leads her to again strike out on her own, which leads to greater success.

This brings me to my second lesson.

We can pursue self-improvement for the purpose of being the best teammate we can be, but we still need willing and able to leave the team.

A job that you can’t afford to quit leaves you at the mercy of your employer.

A relationship you can’t leave is a prison.

Even commitments must have free will as their foundation.

Love is a choice.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, but it’s one we must make daily.

We choose to love.

We choose to grow together.

We choose to protect the space between us.

We choose to stay, even when it gets tough.

One of the core commitments I teach in premarital classes is marriage is a commitment to love someone you won’t always like.

All of that said, the moment we begin taking for granted that we can pursue the relationship as we please because our partner can’t leave, we are in trouble.

If we think that a ring and a license entitles us to belittle, bully, and control our spouse, much less lay hands on them, we are mistaken.

If we think providing financially entitles us to have a relationship on the side, we are wrong.

In Legally Blonde, the heroine repeatedly discovers that the prize she is chasing isn’t worth winning, while also learning that the people who are for her are either with her, or in reach.

I pray, today, that you draw that conclusion wherever it is needed.

May you waste no time chasing unworthy prizes.

May you follow no-one to whom you will never be good enough.

May you go where you are celebrated, rewarded, strengthened, and nourished, not tolerated, drained, robbed, and used.

Your perfect job is out there.

Your people are all around you.

You are better than you know, and probably closer than you think.

(Photo Credit: Kevin Malik)