Boundaries make all the difference.

They establish what we will and won’t do.

They distinguish who we are from who we are not.

They create districts for people with whom we interact. I can have you in this space, but not in that one. I can trust you with one role in my life, but not another.

Most of our discontents in relationships come from failing to set boundaries:

1. Certain things make us uncomfortable, but because we fear being alone, we don’t identify them.
2. We look for people to be part of our lives. They have a different understanding, or goals, or agenda than we do. If we don’t speak up, we find ourselves in a situation we didn’t want, that doesn’t serve us.
3. We struggle to set boundaries because we grew up without them. We then perpetuate the wounds we have with our family out in the world. We are now in social, and romantic, and professional relationships that are harming us, because we never learned how to handle them at home.

I have spent a lot of my life angry at people for trespassing in unmarked territory. I seethed at those who sauntered, marched, or sprinted into areas I never would have to take what they wanted. I never spoke up, however, until it was far too late, or until I was so frustrated that my response was entirely out of proportion to the triggering event.

I have allowed myself to be physically and emotionally drained by toxic patterns I helped build. Why am I doing all the work and getting none of the credit? Because the first time it happened, I said nothing. I maybe even signed up for more because I appreciated the affirmation of my value.

I have entered into abusive relationships because attractive or influential people showed me attention. If you don’t see your own value, and someone pretty or powerful (and maybe a little predatory) does, you can sign up for a situation in which you are the doormat, or the side chick. You can take pride in being the popular person’s secret third choice. Or you can take pride in being the first choice of someone who actually likes you.

Boundaries make all the difference.

They matter because they affirm, to me and everyone else, that I matter. Like a plane passenger in the event of an emergency, I need to put on my oxygen mask before helping anyone else, because I can’t help people when I’m dead. More than that, though, I am worth saving. I don’t need to justify my value by my utility to someone else. Like every person on earth, I am made in the image and likeness of God. Jesus died for me as much as for the people I serve.

If I don’t respect my time, no-one will.

If I don’t honor my feelings, no-one will.

And there is a particular word here to people of faith with unresolved emotional issues.

We can put Jesus on our brokenness and call it generosity, or grace, or love.

What would Jesus do? He’d be kind and he’d be clear. But he certainly wouldn’t partner with people who silenced him or undermined his reputation. These people, he told the truth, and kept it moving.

As one of my earliest mentors always said, do not take my kindness for weakness.

I am choosing to love you. And I do so, in part because Jesus told me to, but in part, because this is how I take control of my life. Boundaries allow me to live by my core values, not yours. Boundaries give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can. I don’t have to control you, or fix you, or be a superhero to you. Today, I can just be me.

So how do we establish boundaries?

1. Learn Your Limits: Sometimes you know what you can handle. Sometimes you make discoveries in real time. When we are uncomfortable, or stressed, we need to pay attention. The time to take action is before we crash, not after.
2. Speak up: Once you know your limits, other people need to know, too. This may be foreign to us. We may swing from one extreme to the other, from silence to aggression. We don’t need to flex or growl. We don’t need to talk about what other people do. We just need to be assertive and say what we need. It’s not about you. It’s about me.
3. Stick to Your Guns: When we establish boundaries, we are teaching others, and ourselves, the new rules. So we can’t draw a line, and then let it slide. We can’t assert something twice, feel bad, and then compromise on the third time. If we don’t change completely, we won’t change at all.
4. Take Care of Yourself: This may be the most foreign concept in this process.. People who lack boundaries often don’t take care of themselves much at all. We don’t see it as a valid priority – it’s a luxury. If we commit, however, to doing things that revive us, we will be constantly moving toward the us that we want to prosper.
5. Get Help: Find mentors and allies. Assemble your village. This may be a counselor. It may be a pastor. It may be some new friends. Whoever and wherever we are, we are near some people who are better at boundaries than we are. This is a good season to learn how to walk in a new way and learn new strategies to protect that walk.

Self-care matters because you matter. I believe, whoever you are, that you have too much value to be emotionally unhealthy. Getting healthy, however, is your responsibility.

Self-awareness, communication, and consistency go a long way toward getting and staying better.

The lives we save may be our own.

(Photo Credit: Aaron J. Hill