MY STORY

I spent a lot of my youth, and adulthood, choosing not to fight. When people wronged me, I turned the other cheek. It felt spiritual. I considered myself righteous, even morally superior. I encountered many people I could have punched in the nose, or humiliated with my words, or sought to pay back evil for evil. Instead, I just walked away.

Mahatma Gandhi, who called non-violence “the summit of bravery” said “Between violence and cowardly flight, I can only prefer violence to cowardice."[1] I have, at times, wondered if I choose the weak path, just letting people take advantage of me. At other times, I’ve been glad I didn’t let mistreatment change me, or pass my wounds onto someone else.

That said, when I began the process of acknowledging a lifetime of arrows I had taken without complaint, all that came out, for a season, was rage.

OUR STRUGGLE

Our struggle is that when someone hurts us, forgiveness seems like the worst possible option. It offers us no compensation for our injury. It seems weak. We feel like we are letting our enemy off the hook, so we protect our pain. Or, we are uncomfortable with confrontation, so we deny our pain. Neither option works.

THE SCRIPTURE

The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness.

First, forgiveness is vital to our faith life: Jesus concludes a teaching that faith will move mountains by telling the disciples “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25 ESV) Doubt may keep us from receiving what we ask for, but unforgiveness will keep us from being forgiven.

Second, forgiveness has no limit: To Peter’s attempt to show his capacity for grace, in asking “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22. Elsewhere he says “If your brother or sister ins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” (Luke 17:3-4 NIV). The point here is not that our grudges become justified at the 78^th offense, or that we can harden our hearts on the eighth daily transgression, but that God’s grace is endless, so ours must be, too. It may have conditions, like repentance. We forgive the person who repents, not the person who denies a crime occurred. And repentance is more than just “I’m sorry.” If includes a genuine desire to change.

Third, forgiveness requires humility: 1 John 1:9 (ESV) says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” We can always receive God’s forgiveness, and experience restoration, but only for the things we admit. Some of us remain in bondage because we continue to insist we did nothing wrong. For community to work, however, we need to be kind, and tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave us. (Ephesians 4:32 ESV). We need to be people who repent, and people who forgive.

The question is, how?

We first need to understand that forgiveness is a process. Christians, in particular, often resist process healing. We want to pray a problem away. We hope to recite a few scriptures and instantly change the condition of our hearts. Healing, however, takes time. And in that time, we must do several things:

1. Acknowledge the Injury: When we are wronged, we may grieve whatever was taken from us. Denial is one of the stages of grief. As Jeremiah 6:14a (TLB) says, however, “you can’t heal a thing by saying it’s not there!” If we desire to heal, we need to be willing to name the offense. We need to exercise the courage to feel our pain. People who try to numb themselves lose their capacity to feel. Admitting we’ve been hurt doesn’t diminish us. In fact, it quickens our recovery.
2. Consider the Impact: We may gain a sense of righteousness by holding a grudge, but what are we losing? What is unforgiveness costing us? Are we allowing past trauma to restrict our current relationships? Have we permitted it to shrink our joy, or even to shrink us? Are we enabling our own ongoing abuse from someone who is no longer even there? Is the grievance worth the price?
3. Empathize with Your Enemy: Out of our desire to empathize, we often look to equate other people’s crimes with our own. And there is value in this. The danger, however, is that in an effort to make peace, we minimize the offense. This is particularly common among people who have been abused. I know you murdered people, but I jaywalked last week, so we’re the same. I know you used to beat me, but I was annoying, so we’re equal. I do not excuse abuse. I recognize, however, that hurt people hurt people. Out of our brokenness, we break things. And I recognize that I need to take responsibility for my own choices. Sometimes people tell us exactly how dangerous they are, and we get involved anyway, hoping that for us they will change. Can we acknowledge that? And is there room in our hearts to see the humanity of the people who hurt us? If not, is there room to ask God to help us to do so?
4. Choose to Forgive: Forgiveness is a process, but it begins, and continues, with a choice. We may have to surrender our rage daily. We may need to give it to God over and over again. Each time we do, however is a choice. And it’s a choice we can make daily. We can decide to forgive.
5. Get Help: You may need a counselor. You many need a friend. You may need a prayer partner. You also may need to be mindful of your associations. If we come from cultures of payback, the very notion of forgiveness may seem weak. We may need to get free of some groups to get free of bondage. But our growth, and our lives, may depend on it.

THE NEED FOR FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness takes work. And it may not always feel good. So why bother?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think God is glorified in my grudges. People who live by grievance are miserable, and ripe for manipulation by charismatic, predatory leaders, be they tyrants, terrorists, tormentors, or just garden variety tough guys and gals. Jesus said “People who live by the sword die by the sword.” People who live by the grudge, however, often turn the sword within long before it comes out.

I don’t want to be defined by the worst things that happened to me. I don’t want my emotional health to express my emotional wounds. I don’t want my most powerful defense to be “you don’t know what they did to me.” I want to be free. And I don’t admire people who specialize in malignant payback. I weep for them. And I believe Jesus weeps for them, too. Self-respect and sadism are not the same thing.

THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

I refuse to deny the wrongs done to me. Instead, I am choosing to release them, because I believe God told me to, and because I believe that this is the only way I can be free. I’m not forgetting the past. I’m not walking into the same situation twice. I am, instead, choosing to move forward.

THE VALUE OF FORGIVENESS

Because the truth is, when I was not swinging my sword, I was stabbing myself with it. I ate my feelings. I channeled my anger into any number of addictions. I was well on my way to being Mischa and a half. And I had the hypertension, high cholesterol, and a host of other problems to show for it.

Now I am processing more. I am praying more. I am speaking more truth. I’m in the gym six days a week. And I’m learning to let things go. In the words of Robert Frost “I have miles to go before I sleep,” so I might as well grow up along the way.

My relationships are getting healthier.

I am learning to take responsibility for my choices.

And I have miles to go.

But I’d rather be free.

(Photo Credit: Magda Ehlers)

[1] 1. Sourabh Gupta, “Gandhi Jayanti: Why Non-Violent Mahatma Gandhi Preferred Violence to Cowardice,” India Today, October 3, 2013, https://www.indiatoday.in/feat....