One thing no-one tells you about marriage is how much time you will spend apologizing.

The 1970 film Love Story gave us the infamous line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” When Ali Macgraw says it to Ryan O’Neal, it suggests that love carries a depth of connection that renders apology unnecessary. If the force of affection between two people is sufficiently strong, it will transcend transgression. The notion has been lampooned in popular culture over the past 50 years.

Count me among the critics.

First, I disagree with the emotional definition of love. For me, love is not a feeling; it’s choice. The highest Biblical standard for love, Agape love, is sacrifice. It’s a desire to benefit the other at the expense of self. I love you by putting you first.

Second, grace, by definition, is a gift. It’s unmerited favor. I can’t demand it. I can’t even expect it. If I do something wrong, in relationship to those with whom I am the closest, the only appropriate thing for me to do is say sorry, and be sorry, and look to make things right.

I have been married for nearly 17 years, and I have reasons to apologize constantly.

I need to apologize for unkind words, and thoughtless acts. I need to apologize for things I did and things I should have done but didn’t. Lori, likewise, is quick to acknowledge her own wrongdoings. It’s not easy. It’s not necessarily comfortable. And we definitely wouldn’t always get A’s on the test. Apologizing is, however, vital to any hope of a healthy, growing relationship.

Our struggle is that we just don’t wanna. Apologizing requires us to be vulnerable, to admit that we owe someone something without knowing how they will use this information. It requires us to exercise empathy toward people who have probably also hurt us. And unlike the things we did to others, we actually felt the pain of the things they did to us. We are, thus, great at convincing ourselves that whoever we wronged has wronged us worse.

Jesus emphasized the priority of apology.

In Matthew 5: 21-22, he says that to be angry enough with someone that you would contemptuously call them an idiot, or a fool, would be to risk the judgment of people and God.

He goes on to say that therefore: “if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24 NIV)”

The teaching emphasizes that the need for an apology should supersede your entire schedule. Offerings at the altar involved waiting on long lines. So, while you are waiting on line, to offer your bull, sheep, or goat, a dispute comes to mind. At this point, you should go settle the conflict, and then come back. Now, Jesus is speaking in Galilee. His reference to making an offering, describes a person who travels 80 miles from Galilee to Jerusalem with a live animal. That took a week. They get there, and they’re waiting to make their sacrifice and get right with God. They remember their brother or sister has something against them. Jesus is now saying, leave the animal in Jerusalem, and travel a week back to Galilee and reconcile. Then travel another week back to complete the attempt to get right with God.

When was the last time you cancelled a vacation for an apology? How about a workday? A lunch date? A trip to the mall?

Busy is never an excuse to postpone doing the right thing.

So how do you get from “broken” to “healing?” How do you begin the path to restoration?

1. Admit Your Mistakes: Repentance requires that we acknowledge the crime. That takes maturity. The ability to apologize, without qualifications, counter-accusations, or excuses is a mark of emotional health. “I’m sorry, but” is not an apology. “I’m sorry if” is not an apology. Sure, it leaves us vulnerable, and that can be genuinely terrifying. Self-preservation may plead for us to test the waters before admitting guilt. The question, though, is what is the quality of the self we are preserving? If we are only willing to confess upon the condition of a favorable response, we aren’t surrendering. We are plea bargaining. It may be effective in a courtroom, but it doesn’t meet the standard of truth, which is the also the standard of love.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel Remorse: When an apology is necessary, transgression has occurred. That means someone else has been hurt in some way. Can we allow ourselves to feel bad about it? Over the long term, guilt is an unproductive emotion, because it generally involves punishing yourself for unchangeable things. But there’s a reason for this. Guilt should never be a long-term emotion because it is your conscience signaling you that you need to fix a problem now. And those of us who have desensitized ourselves to guilt have seared off a part of our soul that is attempting to make us well.
3. Choose to Change: When we feel guilty, we should take action. We should make decisions. Something needs to change. It doesn’t mean we will do so flawlessly. Change is not an event; it’s a process. We probably, however, already know a fair amount about what we need to stop and start doing. And if we will decide to pursue those things, we will learn more along the way.
4. Give Yourself Grace: If change is a process, we will need to give ourselves grace. We may also need to forgive ourselves for past messes. We can’t change without acknowledging the past. We can’t move into the future, however, if we are still holding on to it.
5. Seek Forgiveness: This is where the rubber meets the road. We need to apologize. We need to take responsibility. We need to be willing to clean up what we messed up. We don’t need to worry about the response. We do need to start the process. And we need to recognize that seeking forgiveness is a posture
6. Give Others Grace, Too: Chances are, other people need just as much grace as we do. In many cases, they will need more. Letting go is a lifestyle. If we truly want to experience its benefits, we will need to apply it across the board.

I can’t say I’m great at this. I personally think it’s kinda backwards to flex your humility. “Nobody’s more humble than me” is a huge red flag. The need for repentance and grace should constantly show us that whatever growth we’ve achieved, we have further to go.

Love means saying you’re sorry and meaning it.

Love means being willing to release harmful habits.

Love means allowing yourself to feel the discomfort of your feelings.

Love sometimes hurts, but it’s worth it.

(Photo Credit: Vie Studio)