Transitions can be tough.

Many of us struggle when we enter a new workplace, school, or neighborhood. We struggle when a new administration takes over a familiar place. There are new leaders, a new culture, and new rules.

It can be particularly tough if we are used to being on top.

Sometimes we master one system, only to see it disappear.

We master one atmosphere, and suddenly have to enter a new one.

We learn all the rules, and then the rules change.

This may particularly be the case when the rules apply to conflict resolution.

You may have mastered the courtroom and find yourself in the classroom.

You may have mastered the streets and now find yourself in the suburbs.

You may have a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, and suddenly have to win at chess.

You may have a black belt in psychological warfare, and suddenly have to learn how to make peace.

You may be a warrior, who for the first time is having to learn how to operate in grace.

But knowing how to fight may not help you build a relationship with your spouse.

Being able to dominate an argument may not build bridges with your kids.

Masterful manipulation is not the same thing as effective communication.

Getting people to do what you want is not the same as winning their hearts.

And this may not feel like a problem when kids are under your roof, and they have to do what you say.

But eventually they will have a choice.

And you probably want them to want to choose you.

I once had a conversation with a fellow educator on the topic of teaching children. At the time I was teaching primary school kids of color in Brooklyn, as a white guy from Vermont. And I didn’t feel very good at it at all.

And one point, talking about kids who didn’t want to get on board, he said, sure, I can bully them into submission. I’m three times their size, with a deeper voice. I can flex. But it’s a cheap victory. I’m more interested in being three steps ahead of them, by virtue of what I know that they don’t.

It made me think.

How often do I resort to cheap solutions instead of great ones?

Am I guilty of flexing when I would be better off fixing communication lines?

One of my early mentors in ministry, used to emphasize the importance of developing my own authority.

She said if all you tell people is “do this, because Pastor said so”, as soon as I’m not there, they will ignore you.

All the more so, if they consider their own connection with me stronger than yours.

So establishing your own authority is key. The question, however, is how.

Machiavelli said it was better to be feared than loved.

But is it?

The problem with fear-based leadership, in addition to easily becoming abusive, is you need your followers to stay afraid, all the time. If people fear you but don’t love you, they will stop working for you whenever they feel safe. You’ve reached their bodies, but not their hearts. Furthermore people come to resent the person they fear. Impressive becomes oppressive. And nobody can stay they big dog forever. So at the first sign of weakness, they will attack.

And then, as they did at the end of The Meg, a hundred little sharks can make a meal of one big one.

So today I’m considering the optimal tools and techniques for my current season and assignments.

Today I’m looking to win people’s hearts instead of just messing with their minds.

Today I’m looking to train up children in the way they should go, so when they grow old they will not depart from it.

And won’t want to depart from me.

(Photo Credit: Pixabay)