So, this week, I’m continuing my exploration of toxic behaviors, the ones we encounter, and the ones we carry, from an article called “Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal With Them.” (https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/)

The editorial contributors of WebMD define a “toxic person” as “anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life.” (https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-toxic-person) They go on to note that. “Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.”

So this, in itself, gives me pause. One person’s toxin is another person’s trauma. We declare one pathetic, and the other sympathetic, often based on whether they are on our team, how much their behavior affects us personally, and how much humanity we are willing to see in them.

On the other hand, a friend of mine insists that I spend too much time thinking about why people do the ugly things they do, and argues instead, that some people just choose to function in poisonous ways in community. We can love them. We can pray for them. But we don’t need to make excuses for them.

The toxic person practice I want to look at is this: “keeping you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.”

It speaks to several issues, among them deception, manipulation, and perhaps most important, boundaries.

An abuser can be wonderful one day, and angry the next, leaving you thinking the problem is you and walking on eggshells so as not to upset them. Part of the abuse, however, is the unpredictability itself. Their mood shift has no discernible cause. It simply is.

An addict can be predictable when sober, and predictably chaotic when not. They may need medicine. They may need help. But we can easily enter into a codependent space of trying to be the medicine, thinking we are responsible for rescuing someone who doesn’t want to be rescued. We’re like unqualified lifeguards trying to save people who are still trying to drown.

Loving someone with mental illness may mean bracing yourself for their sad days, or manic moments. The toxic habit is the weaponization of those days, the denial that there is an issue followed by a teased presentation of the issue. Sometimes this becomes a game, because it’s the only power a person who feels out of control can exercise. You’re lamenting the mistreatment. And they are living for it. You are making excuses for them hurting you, and they are making time and opportunities to hurt you worse.

So how do we change?

First, we can stop trying to please them: My job is not to please people. My job is to please God. I can do that obeying God, trusting God, and serving God, while loving people. Jesus said the most important commandment was to love God with everything you have, and love your neighbor as yourself. Love desires to benefit the other at the expense of self. To love you, I have to do the best thing for you, not necessarily the thing you’re demanding. And this is especially true when dealing with an addict. The thing you want may be precisely the thing you should not have. To love you, I can’t participate in this desire.

Second we can stop trying to control other people’s feelings. I can’t make you happy. I can’t make you sad. I can mistreat you, and I need to take responsibility for my actions when I do. But two entirely non-toxic people can enter into a toxic relationship in which they try to be the cure to each other’s sickness. If I am poisoned, you cannot be my antidote.

Third, we can vacate contaminated spaces instead of imbibing them: There is a popular pandemic meme that shows that one match removed from a string of matches can stop a fire from spreading. Social distance can break contagion chains. But soulful distance can break engagement chains. And enragement chains. You may be ready to fight. But I don’t have to join you.

I can establish a boundary.

The issue of boundary raises an additional point. Many of our relationships are complicated by the multiple spaces we inhabit in each other’s lives, and the places in which those spaces collide.

If my best friend is also my business partner, there will be times money interests conflict with the relationship. And if one or both of us has bad business practices, the relationship may be harmed.

If my mom is also my boss, there will be times when conflicts of interest arise. Mom might say you need to go home and rest. Or spend more time with your family. Boss Mom might say you need to go out and produce.

At its most innocuous, the phenomenon of multiple hats means we have different modes we occupy. At one point in my marriage, Lori and I realized we were much more fond of “Vacation Mischa” and “Vacation Lori” because those guys relaxed and had fun. And because they didn’t have acute pressure or responsibilities, they could be kinder, gentler, and more attentive to each other. And as I have written before, we spent several years not taking vacations at all. So when we finally took one at the beginning of this year, I had to find Vacation Mischa. He was in pretty deep hibernation.

So you could say I had toxic time management. Or Post Traumatic Work Disorder. And that needed to change.

The more consistent our personality, the healthier we will be.

The more we take responsibility for our moods, the healthier our relationships will be.

The more we establish boundaries, the healthier everyone will be.

It’s a good day to grow healthier.

It’s a great day to grow up.