⁶ Don’t eat with people who are stingy;
don’t desire their delicacies.
⁷ They are always thinking about how much it costs.^[a]
“Eat and drink,” they say, but they don’t mean it.
⁸ You will throw up what little you’ve eaten,
and your compliments will be wasted.

-Proverbs 23:6-8 NLT

The title of this post is a meme.

The ”You Can’t Eat at Everybody’s House” meme shows a horrific video of someone’s unsanitary kitchen, often involving where they let their pets go, with the understanding that your common sense standards will discourage you from dining there.

What if, however, the poison is not _where_ the cat walks, but _how_ the host walks?

Or how they feel about you?

Hospitality is a tricky thing.

Welcoming someone into your space is powerful. It’s inclusive. It’s protective. It communicates love.

Biblical culture placed a heavy emphasis on the welcome of a stranger. To a people who had survived both exodus and exile, and often been strangers in strange lands, the moral obligation to host a person in need held great value.

People back then had a million reasons to host. These days, we think of a million reasons not to.

We don’t want our plans disrupted. We imagine that the outsiders are dangerous, whether they are in-laws who don’t share our views, or foreigners whose lifestyles are unknown or strange to us.

We think of them as intruders and threats, so we want to close our doors and our borders. We want to draw the curtains, screen our calls, and pretend no-one’s home.

The proverb looks at the begrudging host. They say you’re welcome, but they are angry you are draining their resources.

So, while you naively accept their invitation to make yourself at home, they are silently tallying your tolls and transgressions. You didn’t take your shoes off. You didn’t pet the dog. You had two cups of lemonade. You ate the last crab cake. This visit has cost them $42.38.

To the host the passage offers a liberating word: don’t offer something you don’t want to share.

If you don’t want certain people at your party, don’t invite them. They can tell they’re not welcome.

If you don’t want to share your sandwich, don’t.

I would argue that God calls us to give. But God loves a _cheerful_ giver.

The resentful giver does more harm than good.

They are like the person who tells you: I don’t care what anybody says about you. I think you’re great.

Under the guise of giving, they take something greater.

They give you a gift that suggests they love you, and new information that reveals they don’t.

Sometimes the problem is that there are multiple opinions within the house.

A man sees an old friend with whom he can’t wait to reconnect. His wife sees a bad influence who is better kept at a distance.

One coach sees a great athlete who will immediately win games. The other coach sees a clubhouse cancer who will harm morale no matter how well they play.

One teacher sees a student whose challenges will require an untenable investment of time and resources. Another teacher sees the results that time will yield with a student trying their best.

Sometimes the time we’ve spent counting the cost of food would be better spent counting the cost of exclusion.

Sometimes the effort we’ve put into being a good guest would be better devoted into finding a better host.

The scripture offers provocative imagery. You will not be able to enjoy the stingy person’s food; you will throw it up. You will not win them over, no matter how charming you are. You will not be able to redeem their bad will with your good will. For some of us, this may run counter to our entire worldview. We may be walking through life trying to win hearts, change minds, and kill people with kindness.

If that’s you, I’m certainly not here to tell you to stop.

The Scripture, however, doesn’t say don’t spend time with these people.

It says don’t let them host you.

Don’t let them foot the bill.

Don’t put yourself in a position to owe them anything.

And while it protects you from their ill will, it may also be a way to love them.

People can’t give what they don’t have.

If they don’t have a heart to welcome you, they may not be able to do it.

You need to meet people where they are. And that may mean not meeting them at their house.

Sometimes the best gift we can give someone is to decline.

(Photo Credit: Pixabay)